My Wonderful Bedside Manner

Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a patient.

Me: "Good afternoon, I'm here to take care of you today. My name is..."
The patient: "Are you going to kill me?"
Me: "Ummm, no. I'm just going to give you a little sedation while they take some pictures..."
The patient: "You are then, you are going to kill me."
Me: "No sir, I won't kill you. Now let me take a look at your iv."
Of course, the iv from the floor is worthless so a new one must be started. I go and get supplies and come back to the bed.
The patient: "Who are you? Where's Brenda?"
Me: "I don't know who Brenda is. I need to start your iv real quick so we can get going."
I take his arm and wrap a tourniquet around it.
The patient: "What are you doing? Are you a doctor?"
Me: "No sir, I'm not a doctor, I'm..."
The patient: "You're not qualified to do this! Why are you wanting to kill me? Where's Brenda?"
Me: "I'm really not trying to kill you and Brenda isn't here. She went away."
The patient: "You must have killed her too."
Me: "Don't think so."
I put the iv needle in his arm, fortunately succeeding the first time.
Me: "There you go, all finished. That wasn't so bad was it?"
The patient: "You're going to kill me, aren't you?"
Me: "Have you ever played the Quiet Game? Its where everybody doesn't speak for as long as possible..."
The patient: "Maybe I'm already dead."
Me: "No, you're not dead yet. You're still talking. Dead people don't talk. That would be a miracle."
The patient: "That's it. I'm dead already. Is Brenda dead too?"
Me: "Fine, if you insist, you're dead. I'm still not sure about Brenda. Let's go get this MRI done. We'll look for her along the way."
For the record, the patient did not in fact die, although I did like him much better when he was unconscious. Brenda's whereabouts are still unknown.