My Wonderful Bedside Manner

Excerpts from a recent conversation between me and a patient.

Me: "Good afternoon, I'm here to take care of you today. My name is..."
The patient: "Are you going to kill me?"
Me: "Ummm, no. I'm just going to give you a little sedation while they take some pictures..."
The patient: "You are then, you are going to kill me."
Me: "No sir, I won't kill you. Now let me take a look at your iv."
Of course, the iv from the floor is worthless so a new one must be started. I go and get supplies and come back to the bed.
The patient: "Who are you? Where's Brenda?"
Me: "I don't know who Brenda is. I need to start your iv real quick so we can get going."
I take his arm and wrap a tourniquet around it.
The patient: "What are you doing? Are you a doctor?"
Me: "No sir, I'm not a doctor, I'm..."
The patient: "You're not qualified to do this! Why are you wanting to kill me? Where's Brenda?"
Me: "I'm really not trying to kill you and Brenda isn't here. She went away."
The patient: "You must have killed her too."
Me: "Don't think so."
I put the iv needle in his arm, fortunately succeeding the first time.
Me: "There you go, all finished. That wasn't so bad was it?"
The patient: "You're going to kill me, aren't you?"
Me: "Have you ever played the Quiet Game? Its where everybody doesn't speak for as long as possible..."
The patient: "Maybe I'm already dead."
Me: "No, you're not dead yet. You're still talking. Dead people don't talk. That would be a miracle."
The patient: "That's it. I'm dead already. Is Brenda dead too?"
Me: "Fine, if you insist, you're dead. I'm still not sure about Brenda. Let's go get this MRI done. We'll look for her along the way."
For the record, the patient did not in fact die, although I did like him much better when he was unconscious. Brenda's whereabouts are still unknown.

Happy Anniversary

Wow. This blog is one year old. For something that I was sure I would get bored with in a couple of weeks, its quite amazing that I've crapped out post after post for over a year now. Looking back over the year that was, I feel a little nostalgia is in order. There was never a theme to this blog. I kind of hoped to keep it as random as possible, and I feel that I have somewhat succeeded. I did 46 posts over the last year, which is fairly close to one per week. What I've done here is more or less list the subject of each of those posts, if nothing else to illustrate that randomisity has been achieved. Reflect and enjoy these little pearls of knowledge and wisdom once again. Feel free to laugh and cry. To all the faithful readers (3 or 4 of you, if I'm lucky), thanks for reading.

1. The word "crunk".
2. Shoes that make sweet sweet love to your feet.
3. Off to Italy.
4. Roma.
5. Kathy: The Girl So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her .
6. Firenze.
7. Pamela Anderson does not want you to eat breasts.
8. Cinque Terre and Como.
9. Salad tongs, inappropriately placed.
10. Emmylou does not want you to eat breasts, either.
11. My hometown.
12. Fine places to go eat.
13. John Prine, Asian horror, loft #313.
14. Darth Giggles.
15. Bad, bad day in the OR.
16. 30-year mortgage.
17. More Asian horror: Nude Yo-Yo Ma.
18. Dating sucks.
19. McSweeney's is hilarious.
20. Annoying and unshushed patrons at the Bluebird.
21. Full frontal nudity, Willy Wonka, cocoa pebbles.
22. Driving out west.
23. ...in my pants.
24. Pat Robertson is an idiot.
25. Meth-Lab Barbie.
26. 9-11.
27. Rabid monkeys craving juicy mangos.
28. Colorado.
29. Betty Jo digs into her skull with a butter knife.
30. Hiking in Tennessee.
31. Houston.
32. Fonude and fat people.
33. Freakish burro dream.
34. New York City.
35. Onion's Astrology.
36. Jesus and courteous driving.
37. 2005 was awesome.
38. Inappropriate anal probing.
39. XM is awesome.
40. 41 places to see before I die.
41. Abu exacts horrific revenge.
42. Ancient Hebrew tabernacle resembles prom scene from Carrie.
43. The Little Willies, our 48 hour winter, the Cracker Barrel.
44. Islam: not a crunk religion.
45. L'amour Rend Mon Pantalon Brouille (Love Makes My Pants Fuzzy).
46. The progressive state of Arkansas.

Shout Out to the Natural State

Here's a question I didn't think I'd ever ask: Why can't we be as progressive as Arkansas?

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