Barbie Models That Did Not Clear R & D

1. Anatomically Correct Barbie
2. Eczema Barbie
3. Burqa Barbie (includes Islamic Fundamentalist Ken and jihad fun set)
4. Dickerson Pike Barbie (includes own streetcorner and Pimpmaster Ken)
5. Massive Head Trauma Barbie
6. White Trash Barbie (includes Barbie Dream Trailer and Bubba Joe Ken)
7. Morbidly Obese Barbie
8. Racist Barbie (pull the string to hear her insult random ethnicities)
9. Emphysemic Barbie (includes cigarettes and refillable phlegm)
10. Annoying Movie Patron Barbie (includes cell phone and screaming toddler)
11. French Body Hair Barbie
12. Tourette's Barbie
13. Ambiguous Genitalia Kenbie
14. Meth Lab Barbie (also includes Barbie Dream Trailer and Bubba Joe Ken)

Unsolicited Advice for Pat Robertson

To: Pat Robertson
RE: Your piehole
August 26, 2005

Dear Pat:
It has been with great interest that I have followed recent newsevents while out on the road the last few days. It seems that you made some interesting comments about Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez, stating "you know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he (Chavez) thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war, and I don't think any oil shipments will stop. We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come to exercise that ability."
Now Pat, before you get too upset, let me make clear that you have the right to say whatever pops into you head. And you might be correct when you say ole Hugh has turned Venezuela into "a launching pad for Communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent." I've read up on Hugh, and he doesn't seem very balanced. And I'll give you that since Venezuela is our fifth biggest oil exporter, and since we don't seem to be in a hurry to get rid of foreign oil dependence, then that could be a problem.
However, Pat, this really isn't about foreign diplomacy. It is more about you, and how you use your platform. It is a pretty safe bet that you reach more people with your little show than I reach with my little blog. Don't give me that reaction, you know its true. It concerns me that much of the world considers you to be an influential Christian leader. It concerns me that much of the world thinks that we care about what you have to say. It concerns me that you would advocate murder, then backpedal (some would say lie), then apologize only when presented with the irrefutable videotape. It concerns me when the backlash in the media is as much a backhanded attack on Christianity as it is on you. However, what concerns me most is that there are lost, hurting people out there that might turn to Christ if they didn't think you were representative of my faith.
You have been blessed with a huge worldwide audience. "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in Heaven." That's Matthew 5:16 by the way. You have the potential to be this huge mothercrunking light. Please think before opening your piehole. In other words, please try to be more careful in what you say. Like it or not, when many people think of what it is like to be a Christian they think of you. Please try to remember what your purpose should be. Thanks for your time, and please write if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Chaddddd

Some Suggested Chinese Fortune Cookie Addendums

1. ...in my pants.
2. ...but probably not.
3. ...with your mom.
4. ...or in a short time you'll die violently. Whichever.
5. ...on Dickerson Pike.
6. ...but this was written in a Chinese forced labor camp, so we really don't care.
7. ...with a big slice of pie.
8. ...Whatever. That General Tso's "Chicken" you just ate was really Mr. Prissypaws from next door.

Extreme Road Trip

I love to travel. Traveling has always consumed more than its fair share of the budget. One of the primary ways in which I organize my time is around my vacation schedule. Its been a few months since I took a trip (the Italian extravaganza), so I'm very excited about next week when traveling time comes around again.
Around this time next week I'll pack some clothes, take my Ipod, a few books, and my camera, grab the map from the backseat, and drive. I don't have an itinerary. I don't have a schedule. I'll just be gone.
I am adopted. I sometimes joke that I think my biological parents were carnival workers, or hobos, or cross-country truckers or some other nomadic people, because I have a nomadic streak in me that my parents definitely do not have. I have thus far lived in five states. They have always lived in rural yet suprisingly cosmopolitan Sikeston. If instead of sleeping in a filthy railcar hobos went to a nice hotel every night then I definitely could have been a hobo.
I try to take a trip like this at least once a year. Some people are not a big fan of the driving, but I love it. I love to wander. When I head out with a map and nowhere in particular to go it is nothing short of exhilarating. Its an adventure. It is also incredibly relaxing. Like I said earlier, I'll take some books to catch up on my reading. I'll take my Ipod for music. I'll take my camera with some black and white film so I can practice photography.
After a few days the solitude will get boring. However, until it does, there is rarely a time when I'm so content. Its a great way to get away from life's daily stresses and make extended time for meditation, thought, and prayer. And then I'll return, rejuvenated, ready to plan my next vacation.

By the way, I'm very happy to report that this is my official first post from my new place. I'm currently sitting at my computer, which is in the front bedroom/guest bedroom/office. The desk is up against the windows, through which I'm looking out across to Capitol Hill and the Nashville skyline. All in all it was about the most painless move I've yet encountered. And its a very very fine house.

Smugglin' Plums and Other Chestnuts

So I'm sitting here trying to think of things to blog about, and there's just nothing coming to mind. Its not like these posts are normally deep or profound or intellectually stimulating in any way, but for right now the well is absolutely dry. However, I try to crank out one of these a week for the loyal person or two who actually reads this mess. I do have some ideas floating around, I just don't think they're blogworthy. What follows is a short list of topics that I considered blogging about but for whatever reason were not substantial enough to warrant a full post:

1. The meaning of my new favorite term "Smuggling plums", or in the southern vernacular: "Smugglin' plums". This is probably not a good topic, since I don't see how I could write about it without being really explicit or gross. I could say that a guy (and its always a guy, girls just don't have any plums), is smuggling plums when he wears a certain piece of clothing, cut too short, that is far far far too revealing. And he's sitting. That's enough on that subject but it does segue nicely into number two...
2. The fact that I get to see more full frontal nudity in my line of work than most people do. Daily full frontal nudity. Accountants probably can't make the same claim. Unfortunately its not tantalizing movie-star nudity. I would say a good 95% of said nudity is profoundly disturbing. Some of it causes temporary blindness and nightsweats.
3. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is about my favorite movie of the summer. Johnny Depp's Wonka is so off-the-wall and a bit dangerous. Just watch some of his reaction shots. He seems a bit disappointed when the kids aren't harmed, which I love. The film captures the darkness of Roald Dahl's novel better than the Gene Wilder movie (which I also loved).
4. Closing day is tomorrow. I've already discussed that in an earlier post so writing about it would be redundant. But I'm still excited to finally be a homeowner. A place to call my own. A clean, well lighted place. I think that was the title of a book or a song or a poem or something but I can't remember exactly what.
5. At the urging of friends I'm making my way belatedly through the Harry Potter series. I've just finished book two. So far its not mind-blowing literature, but it is very good. Far better than the movies. She (J.K. Rowling) has a way with descriptive prose. If its true that the books get better (and darker) as they go along then I'm looking forward to the rest of them.
6. Cocoa Pebbles is the best cold cereal ever. If you say differently then you better check your pants because I bet they'll be ablaze. Nothing but crunchy chocolaty goodness.